


Off-Colors

by Jess4400



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lars and Steven bond over depression, Mild Language, Self-Harm, Steven has PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, unedited, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-15 00:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11219076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jess4400/pseuds/Jess4400
Summary: “Us Off-Colors gotta stick together, right?”





	Off-Colors

Lars tossed and turned in bed. It was one o’clock in the morning and he couldn’t bring himself to go back to sleep. Something felt off. He shook off the feeling and distracted himself by scrolling though his MyFace newsfeed. Suddenly, his phone rang. It was Steven.

“Steven?!” He cried, “What are you doing, calling me so early in the morning? What if I was asleep, huh? You know I don’t get to do that often anymore.” Lars tried his best to sound bitter, but he regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. It wasn’t Steven’s fault he was like this. Well, it kind of was, but it was unintentional at least.

Steven sniffed. “I’m sorry, I know, but I really need your help. After this, you won’t ever have to talk to me again. I promise.”

Lars’ heart broke at the sound of Steven’s apology. He rushed to reassure the boy.

“No, no, it’s okay. I’m sorry. I’m being a jerk. What’s wrong?” Steven sucked in a breath and started rapid-firing his response.

“I kind of cut myself by accident and it won’t stop bleeding and I’m really scared—”

Lars’ eyes widened as he tightened his grip around the phone. “Dude, seriously? Get over here right now. Go through Lion’s mane. Hurry!”

“O-Okay!” Steven hung up. A few moments later, he tumbled out of Lars’ hair, clutching his bloody wrist to his chest. His blue pajamas were splattered with blood on the front. He looked like he was about to pass out.

“Shit, dude!” Lars yelled, not being able to take his eyes off of the blood. “I’ll go get some towels. And, um. Band aids? Gauze. Stay here!” Steven nodded, hanging his head in shame. Lars ran upstairs to his bathroom and brought down a plethora of medical supplies. He dumped them on the floor and got to work. He worked silently as Steven watched through glassy eyes. Many rolls of gauze and expletives later, he managed to stop the bleeding. He bandaged up Steven’s wound and rubbed the sweat off his own brow with his elbow. He went into the kitchen, wet a towel with warm water, and returned to his room. He cleaned up the blood on the floor and glanced at Steven. The boy still remained silent, his eyes downcast.

Lars sighed and ran his fingers through his (now magic) hair, at a loss on what to do next.

“Steven. Go wash up and meet me back in here. We need to talk.”

Steven gulped and nodded, heading off to the bathroom. He took a while to return, probably to think of a good explanation.

When he returned, Lars wrapped him up in a heavy blanket and made him set next to him on his bed.

“Talk,” Lars commanded. “Why did you do that?” You scared the hell out of me!”

“I’m sorry.” Steven started to cry. “It was an accident, I swear!”

“No, the fuck it wasn’t!” Lars yelled. “You did that on purpose! That was a clean cut. I’m not stupid!”

“Okay, maybe! But I didn’t mean for it to get out of control like this. I can usually heal myself, but tonight, my powers weren’t working for some reason.”

Lars felt like the wind got knocked out of him. “Usually?” He questioned angrily. “As in you've done this before?”  Steven clammed up real quick. Lars sighed and ran a hand down his face.

“Steven…” A pause. “This isn’t healthy.”

“I know.” Steven smiled.

“You could have died.”

“Ha, I wish.”

“It’s not funny!” Lars yelled. He saw the shocked look on Steven’s face and took a deep breath. In. Out. Apologize. 

“Sorry. It’s just, it may not seem like it, but I really care about you. I wish you would just talk to me. You always help other people with their problems but never yourself. I’m really scared for you right now.” Lars pulled Steven into a hug. The boy buried into his side. Lars felt the tears soak his shirt, but he didn’t care. Steven needed this.

“I’m sorry.” Steven cried. “I’m so stupid. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, dude, I get it. Let it out.”

“It’s just…” He sniffed. Lars nodded, encouraging him to continue.

“It’s just…I’m sad, like, all the time. I shouldn’t be, and it makes me so angry. I’m always having nightmares. Flashbacks, too, or at least that’s what Connie calls them. I don’t know. I’m constantly reminded of the horrible things I've done and I can’t do anything to fix them. I have to hurt myself, you know? It makes me feel better. Do you ever feel like that?”

Steven shyly looked at Lars. Lars gave a sad smile and nodded. He rolled up his left sleeve and showed off his dozen or so scars.

“Why?” Steven gasped.

“Same reasons as you, I guess. I stopped about five years ago. Been clean since. You can do it too.” Steven shrugged.

“I don’t think I can,” he said softly.

“Sure you can.”

The pair sat in silence, the only sound being Steven’s sniffles and Lars’ hand against cloth as he rubbed Steven’s back.

“Do you ever think about dying?” Steven asked. Lars wanted to say no, but that would be a lie. He had been wondering if he was immortal now, due to being a magical pink zombie, but he knew that’s not what Steven meant. He decided to answer like he would if he was still his suicidal 13-year-old self.

“Yeah. A lot.”

“Me too. Things would be so much better if I wasn’t here.”

“No, they wouldn’t.”

Steven hummed. “If you say so.”

“I do.”

Steven stayed quiet for a while. Finally, he decided to talk.

 “I tried to kill myself, once. Blue Diamond, one of those giant ladies, came to Earth. She cried so much, and I could feel her grief and anger. She wanted to destroy Rose Quartz, my mom. I’m kind of an empath, so I really felt awful for what my mom did. I was thinking irrationally and I planned on shattering my gem. I felt like it would be justice for what my mom did to Pink Diamond, you know? I looked for a hammer in my dad’s van, but he caught me before I could do anything. I snapped out of it when I realized he would be heartbroken I was gone.” He grinned.

“I lied and told him I was looking for a hammer to fix the door at the temple. He believed me. Isn’t that funny?”

Steven laughed and wiped his tears. Lars stared at him, shocked. Steven Universe, the kid he was always jealous of for being so happy all the time, was confessing his near suicide to him.

“Dude…” He said, breathless. “That sucks.”

“I know, right?”

Steven smiled. He glanced at Lars’ arm again and frowned.

“What do you do now, when you’re feeling bad?” Lars, grateful for the topic change, answered quickly.

“I usually try to distract myself with cooking or video games. I try to talk to other people, too. I’m not very good at it, but it helps.”

Steven nodded. “Does Sadie know you used to hurt yourself?”

“Yeah. She was pretty upset when she found out, but it didn’t make her think any less of me. Now, she makes sure to let me know she’s always there for me if I need to vent.”

“That’s good.”

“And you know I’m always here for you, right? If you ever feel that low again, call me and I’ll be right there. I don’t want you pulling that stunt again, even if you can heal yourself. Sure, it might feel good at the time, but it doesn’t help in the long run. Trust me.” Steven  nodded and lurched forward to hug Lars again. Lars pulled him tight.

“Us Off-Colors gotta stick together, right?”

**Author's Note:**

> This is very loosely based off of my own experiences. I've never cut, but I have self-harmed in other milder ways and have had suicidal thoughts. If you're ever feeling down, message me or anyone else and we'll try to help. I love you!


End file.
